Street Fighter: UFC Edition

Street Fighter: UFC Edition

There are a few notable fights that are coming up in the next month, and one notable life sentence that was handed out yesterday. Because of that, this is the perfect time to explore who would be the most dangerous fighter if the Nevada State Athletic Commission never existed.  For me, I ask myself who would I not want to fight under any circumstance, including after a night of indulging on Night Shift (sponsor alert) beverages so I have the manufactured liquid courage that I need. There are so many fighters on the roster that would make quick work of me, but I want to only view those that would be willing to engage, and that would cause me to visit the Hospital, cemetery, or jail (spoiler alert) afterwards.

Without further adieu here are the Top 5, pound for pound best fighters in the no holds bars, cage match, fight to the death division.

5. Demian Maia

Maia is such an average looking dude that he is a perfect candidate for me to impress my date forcing him to give me his chair. Maia’s average stature and demeanor pose a huge issue for my drunk ass. The issue here is unless I knock Maia completely unconscious, which is very unlikely, he’s probably going to strangle me. Given that this is a no holds bar format, Maia could choose to rip one of my limbs off, or choke me until I have less brain cells than I do now.

4. John Lineker

This may be a surprise to some since Lineker is a petite man at 5’3 135, but for any of us that have watched Lineker fight, his hands are equivalent to 2 bottles of Nyquil and a bottle of Benadryl chasing a pint of Peppermint Schnapps. Lineker wings his punches, and throws them with so much heat that he would likely emasculate me even more so than my wife does when she makes me do the dishes.

3. Derrick Lewis

This was a toss up for me. Between Lewis, Hunt, and JDS, you can really pick the bearer of your traumatic brain injury. The only reason I picked Lewis is because I would likely be shitting down my leg prior to approaching Lewis for a fight. There is not enough Alcohol in the world that would give me the courage to fight him, but if he chose to fight me…well I’d be dead.  Lewis is 6’3 265 and faster than most heavyweights. He is also scary as fuck and would likely punch my head into another stratosphere. After doing that, He’d probably reference his black beast nickname and perform his now famous celebration over my dead body.

2. Nick/Nate Diaz

No rules, cage match, to the death! How would I exclude the Diaz brother’s from this? Repping the 209 gives them an automatic advantage. That, along with knowing that if you fight one, you get at least both, but most likely their entire crew is a death sentence in itself. Think about being at a bar and seeing Nick and Nate. They are both wearing their cycling uniforms and mumbling to each other without actually saying any words. This is a perfect setup for my drunk bully to come out and make the patrons at the bar laught at my witty insults towards the Diaz brothers. It’s also likely that both Nick and Nate have previous murders on their record, so I would just go down as another statistic to them before they ride off in the sunset in their triathlon singlets.

1. GSP

Georges St. Pierre. Yes, the GSP that plays by every rule and retires when he thinks rules aren’t being enforced. I know GSP doesn’t finish fights and has a questionable chin. I also know that GSP would likely try to talk me out of getting my ass whooped by him. I assume that GSP would probably let me hit him a few times just to make sure that I am really committed to fighting him. I imagine GSP jabbing and superman punching me until I’m close to being unconscious. At that point I then see GSP mounting me (this is turning into my fantasy) and not letting me move, while asking the bartender to call 911 to have me arrested. Yes, I’m telling the whole world that I would rather die than be arrested for assault, or attempted assault. Jail is a place where I would become someone’s girlfriend and I would rather die than have that happen.  

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